Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’