@gitson_shiggles: Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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@Lufty: My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I'll ever be racially profiled
@Aaerios: Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. "U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!"
@michaeljhudson: "Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace" "Why, there's nothing for them in Keny-" "HAWAII, sir" "Right, that's wh