“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
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When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
A friend helps you before you need it
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry