Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars