Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird