Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
This might be me.
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Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness