Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.