dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Y’all know who you are.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.