Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.