Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.