Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics