man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
found my next D&D character name
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Jupiter
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”