@Gizmo_1984: Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me.
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@Sarcasticsapien: I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.
@P_o_n_k: [Shower] ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground
@ClichedOut: [camping] Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself? Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
@JonBaker: By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl