[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
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My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?