@Sarcasticsapien: I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.

@P_o_n_k: [Shower] ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground

@ClichedOut: [camping] Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself? Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

@JonBaker: By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

@SortaBad: ATTENTION: Can the owner of the 'MarioKart Champion' tshirt return to security? There are several women here who'd like to have sex with you