Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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Cheers Twitter.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.