Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what