Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
You Might Also Like
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.