My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
spicy snake
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.