“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
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I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.