[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…