Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
i wish all
whales
a very
big