Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
You Might Also Like
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
All set.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us