Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
me working on my assignments ^-^