Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.