Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*