Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.