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@Elifcello: Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
@RorynotRoy: The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might've gone to high school with him.
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*
@primawesome: I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
@Robert_Beau: Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
@nachosarah: if we're on a date and you're rude to the waiter I'd be like holy shit I'm on a date