Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)