Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I feel it
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀