Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.