Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”