Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
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Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free