Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.