@LEDawes: Dear sneeze, if you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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@Jaysmemoir: My 6yo's homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
@man_in_radiator: My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
@astutenewf: 12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn't Mary have a little lamb? Me: And you came with a no return policy