@LEDawes: Dear sneeze, if you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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@karencheee: Marrying my gay friend bc it's important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
@NicestHippo: [girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]
@OilCan314: I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.