Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
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Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
*cough*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”