I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
normalize having existential bread
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women