Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it