Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The future is now.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Seems a bit forward
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.