@darksidedeb: Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes... you're using it wrong.
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@InternetHippo: [invention of kissing] WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
@captainkalvis: Him: how old are you? Me: *holding up fingers* this many Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?
@DaddyJew: [on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll] Are you sure you're ok?
@jameslsutter: Imagine if Frodo was all "Sauron's bad, but Gandalf's done some morally gray stuff, too, so I'll stay home." Don't get eaten by orcs. Vote.