Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.