@darksidedeb: Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes... you're using it wrong.
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@Rollmaninoz: *KFC* Me: how tender is the chicken? Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@TheAlexNevil: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And I'm terrible with decisions, so I went home.
@daemonic3: Me: Hi, what's a good school binder for my 10yo girl here? Clerk: Trapper Keeper? Me: Haha, no, she's my own daughter.