[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
For those that worship cheese..
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Actually cracking up @ this
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.