Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.