Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
i baked you a cake
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.