-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
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ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right