@behindyourback: Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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@jonnysun: WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@EndhooS: [Don't let hot barrista know I'm a goose] "Can I get you a coffee?" Just a honk chonklate for me "A what?" CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
@KateWhineHall: Calls for kids: Nobody responds. Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what's for dinner when it's 9 am.
@KalvinMacleod: [driving test] INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns? ME: Volcanoes I: About the test? M: No I: Ok then let's go M: *drives into active volcano*