Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I put the h in mysterious.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
All set.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.