Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*