Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My neck, my back, my…
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
How to properly lift a body
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.