Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
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[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me irl
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.