DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
absolutely not
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
The answer is funnier than the question
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
this article brought to you by lions
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does