DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
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ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
(Musicians.)
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Who does Amazon think I am?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.