[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
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Me: Wow you go girl!
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M: Oh…
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
When news reporters do sports stories
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers