[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
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My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming