Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Don’t touch that.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you