Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Did my cat write this
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.