@MartaEffing: Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.
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@_ElvishPresley_: Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear! Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very— Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
@juanadog: 911: 911, What's your emergency? Me: It's John again. 911: John, seriously!!! Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
@Brampersandon_: [Americas Got Talent] ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended* JUDGE (under his breath): how'd he do that