Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.