Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
won’t smith