@batkaren: Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember-- oh wait no that's a Cheeto.
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@Kendragarden: I call my nephews "Dude" and "Homie" because I'm the cool Aunt! (I don't know their names.)
@Fred_Delicious: "Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?" "we... can't find him at all" "DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH"
@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
@_little_old_me: My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he'll probably eat that eyeball first.