Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
You Might Also Like
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year